The Roadtrip of a Lifetime
by Niamh the Vargie
Summary: Full title: Puck, Artie, Kurt, and a Video Camera-The Roadtrip of a Lifetime. "They lasted 3 hours before they started fighting, though as the video showed, that was mostly because Kurt was the only one awake for the first 2 hour and 50 minutes."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I'm filling this prompt on livejournal:

_A few weeks into the summer, both Puck and Kurt are nursing fresh break ups with their significant others and Artie has not made up with Brittany. Feeling decidedly bored and lonely, the three decide to embark on a month long road trip across the US. Artie, being a faithful member of the AV club, video journals their entire trip including walks of shame, impromptu concerts in the street and crazy shenanigans in staple touristic attractions._

_PS: I can't believe I just wrote shenanigans... _

_PPS: I will owe my soul and my first born child to whoever writes this._

So apparently I'm now in possesion of a child, because I'm filling it. I'm not the best at lifejournal so I'm posting it here too. The chapters work out better this way. And for any of you who care, I promise that I'm not abandoning my Neville story. I PROMISE I'M GOING TO FINISH IT.

"Artie I will go back to locking you in port-a-potties if you don't get that camera out of my face."

"Puck be nice!" shouted Kurt from behind the car, trying to make his fourth suit case fit in the trunk. "If we start killing each other before we've even pulled out of the driveway, this trip is not going to go well."

"Easy for you to say Princess, you've already had coffee. Abrams! Are you going to record us this whole trip?"

"That's the plan, yo." None the less, Artie put the camera in his lap to wheel forward, promising himself that he'd edit out the shake footage later. "That way, we'll have proof that our summer ruled."

"More like proof for when the police show up." Puck wasn't going to be polite or sociable before 8am in the middle of the summer, damnit.

"Well aren't you the optimistic one Noah." Kurt rounded the car, having successfully fit all of his bags in the trunk.

"I'm just saying. This trip is about forgetting about…..them and going crazy. And hey, if certain activies are slightly less than legal, well then, we'll just have to makes sure wheels here turns off the camera, won't we?" Puck shot a glare down at Artie. Two years ago, it would have made him cower, but instead Artie just stuck his tongue out at the Mohawked boy. Kurt rolled his eyes at his travel companions, but beneath the bitch face he was smiling more genuinely than he had since things with Blaine had turned sour.

"Remember what I told you." Artie picked his camera to catch Burt walking up to the huddle of boys and handing his son a twenty. "Drive carefully, go to a motel if you get too tired, check the tire pressure before you start driving, never let the take get to less than half full…"

"Yes I know Dad." Kurt stepped forward and hugged his father close. "I'll miss you."

Burt looked like he wanted to ruffle Kurt's hair, but thought better of it and squeezed his shoulder instead.

"I'll miss you too buddy. Call me sometimes alright? And take lots of pictures."

"Don't worry Mr. H," Artie chimed in, "I'm keeping a video diary." He smiled at his friend's dad.

"Alright, have a good trip boys. Stay out of trouble." Puck choose to ignore that Burt seemed to be aiming the last remark mostly at him. With one squeeze of his son's shoulders, Burt went back into the house. Puck turned to get back in the car.

"WAIT! We can't just start. We need some kind of send off." Artie flicked the camera between his two friends.

"What, like "So Long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu?"

"Or "Peace out, mother fuckers?"

"No! Not like that…. Just like, a cheer or something. Wait, I've got it!"

Artie held the camera up and over his shoulder so it was aimed at the space between the three boys.

"Hands in."

Kurt raised his eyebrows and glanced at Puck. Puck looked like he was regretting every action in his life that lead up to this moment.

"Come on guys, for the video. Hands in." Artie put his free hand in the middle of the circle to start them up. Kurt put his hand on top of his. Puck looked around for anyone he might know, then put his hand into the pile.

"To the best road trip ever," declared Artie.

"To getting out of Lima," Kurt followed.

"TO FUN," shouted Puck.

"To fun," the other two chorused. They threw their hands up and let them fall. For a moment they looked at each other in excitement then…

"SHOUTGUN," Puck was off like a shot. He was getting the best seat, and he was napping, _so help me god, _he thought.

"Not driving!" followed up Artie, aiming the video camera at Kurt just in time to watch his draw drop in the realization that he was stuck doing the work for the first leg of the trip.

_If all we get out of this trip is this video, it's totally going to be worth it, _thought Artie as he maneuvered to film Kurt 'accidentally' jabbing Puck with his elbow while he adjusted the mirror from the driver's seat.


	2. Chapter 2

They lasted three hours before they started fighting, though as the video showed, that was mostly because Kurt was the only one awake for the first two hour and 50 minutes.

From the backseat, Artie couldn't see faces but the snappy comments were coming through loud and clear.

"Princess, if I hear the phrase 'Right track baby I was born this way' one more time, I'll pull over, buy a slushie and throw it in you face."

"And here I was thinking you'd matured. That we'd passed this point. Really Noah, did you even consider asking me to change the station?"

"Would you have?"

"No, but at least we'd have been polite about it."

"Have you guys heard the new Beastie Boys?" pipped up Artie from the back.

Puck turned around. "Duh man. But did you see the epic video?"

"Of course I did. Wait, you bought the CD right?" Artie was already pulling it out if his bag. He handed it to Puck who turned back to put it in.

"This is rap, by the way Kurt. Every heard of it?" Puck teased.

"Of course I have, Puck, I own three versions of In The Heights."

"I have no idea what that is." Puck didn't seem to care what it was either, as he popped in the Beastie Boys CD.

"Sounds gangsta yo." Artie chimed from the backseat.

Kurt rolled his eyes and mumbled something about Lima's lack of culture, sophistication and his desperate need for better friends.

The next argument came an hour later, after they were listening to the album for the second time. Kurt had agreed to learn a part so the three of them could rap the album together, and Puck and Artie couldn't agree on if he made a better Mike D or MCA.


	3. Chapter 3

The first major stop was the Grand Cannon. It was also the first (but certainly not last) time the boys took advantage of having a wheelchair bound member in their midst.

It took them less than half the normal time to get to the bottom of the canyon with the extra help. All three boys were so taken by the beauty that Kurt didn't even pretend to complain when Artie told him to wheel the chair around in a 360 to get the best view.

"There's nothing like this in Lima," breathed Kurt, craning his neck up

"This is so awesome." Puck stretched his arms over his head. "I've never seen a view like this before. I'm king of the world!"

He ended his reverent statement by pulling his sweaty shirt off and letting out a long woop, then winking at the college girls eyeing his chest. Artie filmed Puck's back as he started running toward the girls.

"Check out that swag. GET IT IN PUCK!" Artie yelled at the retreating figure. Kurt rolled his eyes so theatrically that you could see it through his Prada sunglasses.

"All I know is that he better come back soon, because we drove through last night and my moisturizing routine suffered. I want to go to the hotel." As he spoke, he pulled sunblock out of his bag. Artie zoomed in far too close on Kurt's face as he applied it.

"Artie, stop taking unflatering video of me!" Kurt's voice was getting higher, a sure sign to Artie that he should do as he was told. "If the paparazzi is half as bad as you, I'm going to have to hire a body guard right off the bat. And that will take so much out of my overall budget."

"Oh yeah? What if I became paparazzi? Then I could follow you off to NYC and make you and Rachel tabloid sensations with my amazing access and rare shots." Artie was wheeling around Kurt taking detailed video, as if to prove that he could get the money shot.

"That sounds wonderful Artie. You could even live with us. Rachel and I decided last girl's night that we'd move to NYC together right after graduation and split the rent. Blaine was even going to come, but now I suppose he'll need his own housing…" Kurt had started the conversation with a wistful smile on his face, clearly lost in a happier world, but he came back to reality with the mention of Blaine.

"Wow," said Artie, wanting to cheer Kurt up but not quite sure how. "Sounds like you have it all planned out."

"Of course I do." Kurt was getting back to normal. "Don't you?….Wait, really, do you? That joke about paperizza is the closest I think I've ever heard to you talking about you're future. What do you want to do?"

Artie lowered the camera a little.

"I don't know. Its like….Well when I was a little kid, all my dream jobs were stuff like dancer and firefighter. So those are kind of out now. I don't know, I do really like AV stuff. You can make all kind of things happen on a computer. I could edit this so we looked like we were in a crater on the moon, instead of the Grand Cannon. Which is like, so cool. Lately I've been thinking it'd be neat to go into film editing or something like that."

Artie and Kurt had slowly making their way toward the ramp up. When they realized that Puck wasn't going to be joining them for a little while, they started back up.

"And its not just that I like film and performing or whatever. Its also like, I like the people that do it. I'm not in Glee just because we sing, even though that's really cool. It all you guys being nice to me and not even caring that I'm in a geek with glasses who's in a wheelchair. On the football team, they're not like that. Not that they aren't cool, it just that….Sometimes they seem to forget that there are other parts too. It just like, you guys get it you know? And you get to know other parts of me besides all that. I wanna stick with people like that for the rest of my life."

Almost to prove the point Artie was making, the boys reached a steeper section of the ramp. Artie didn't need to ask and Kurt didn't comment he handed Artie his bag, and pushed the chair up from behind until the ramp leveled out.

"I want to get out of Lima too. And its not just a Lima Loser thing. Here there are like 10 handicapped kids. I'm always one of the disabled kids. If I came with you guys to NYC with you guys, that would be different. Even if I moved back after a while to get married and have a family or something, I just want to spend a while being one of the general crowed. Not just one of the wheelchair kids."

"Don't worry Artie, as the token gay kid I know how you feel."

"I know you do man." Artie held the camera so that they were both in the frame. "But we're in the Grand Cannon right now, which is the furthest thing from Lima Loser ever."

"Yeah" Now that they were at the top, Kurt stepped to the edge to look down. Then he got a mischievous look. "Do you think there's a echo?"

"Probably I guess? Kurt, what are you think…"

"AND IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME, LOOK TOWARD THE WESTERN SKYYY. AS SOMEONE TOLD ME LATELY, EV'RYONE DESERVES A CHANGE TO FLYYYYYYYYYY'

"Fly, fly, fly, fly," came echoing back.

Somewhere on the ground, Puck answered the two girls incredulous question with a loud and exaggerated sigh,

"Yes, I do know him. He's one of my best friends actually."

He didn't look happy about it at the moment.


	4. Chapter 4

Puck tried to keep flirting, he really did. But he'd been cockblocked from thousands of feet in the air by his gay best friend's singing.

"God, did weird things happen to me or what?" Puck asked himself and he climbed back up the narrow trail. He stopped to wink at the a teenage girl walking down past him, but turned his seduction off when it was the girls mother who winked back.

"No way man, I'm on vacation from that!" he muttered to himself.

The rest of the trek up was uneventful, and when he got to the top he looked around for Artie and Kurt. They'd spread out a blanket and were laying out. Puck would have thought they were sun bathing, if he didn't know that Kurt had packed 6 bottles of sun block just for today. Artie noticed the shadow first. He aimed the camera up at Puck from where he was lying on the ground.

"And here's our lost hero, Noah Puckerman. He had to fight off hordes of horny women and climb up a huge ditch to get back to us. Puck, how did you do it?" Artie said all of this in a big announcer's voice as Kurt giggled from beside him.

"Well, Abrams, I just used my natural good looks and charm. No one can hold the Puckster down."

"A regular James Bond, ladies and gentlemen."

"Please," snorted Kurt. "James Bond had taste and class. He drank fine wine and wore expensive suits. I'm pretty sure Puck here can't even tie a tie."

"Hey, shut up." Puck kicked Kurt. Gently of course, but it got the point across.

"Wait, you really can't?" Kurt sat up.

"No man. The only time I've ever had to wear a tie was the times I was in court. I only have one tie. Finn tied it for me when I was in like 7th grade, and now I just loosen it and tighten it to get it on and off."

Kurt looked personally offended.

"We're going shopping as soon as we get to NYC. We have to fix this. By the time we're back in Lima you'll be able to tie a tie three different ways and know the proper way to pull off tails. Gracious and I call you my friend!"

He stood up, still muttering things like 'fashion foupas' and 'I know 7 knots' and 'can't even tie it one way.' Artie had climbed back into his chiar without either boy noticing. Puck raised his eyebrows at him, and he smirked back. Kurt noticed.

"And you!" Kurt turned on Artie. "You need to learn about moderation when it comes to sweater vests. I cannot wait till we get to NYC."

"This is going to be interesting." Artie was filming the aghast look on Pucks face.

"Dude, I don't like fashion. You know that. You look awesome or whatever, but I'd rather not walk around Lima in a bowler hat for no apparent reason."

"It was a top hat! You really are hopeless."

"Fine, look. As long as you promise not to bitch about it the whole trip, then you can dress me and Abrams up all you want when we get to New York."

"Hey!" Artie turned the camera around to aim it as his face. "I never agreed to this!"

"Oh come on. You can't leave me to get dolled up by myself."

"You two act like I'm going to make you wear a kimono and do drag."

Artie tried to phrase what he was thinking as nicely as possible.

"Well, you did do that full Lady Gaga costume. And those shoes were kind of….draggy?"

"They were Alexander McQueen!"

Puck sighed. "I don't freaking know what that means. So the offer stands. Don't bitch about our lack of fashion or whatever for the trip, and you can play dress up with me and Artie in New York. Within reason. Sound good?"

Kurt was perfectly happy with this arrangement. Even for all his bitching and moaning, he figured he'd be lucky this trip if he managed to stop Puck from buying a shirt that said something offensive and got Artie to at least try to match his bowtie and vest. That that would be the extent of his imput to the boys. But he was Kurt Hummel, so he put on a show.

"Well, fiiiiiiiine. I will refrain from commenting on your fashion choices until we get to the city, but once in the city You. Will. Listen."

"Fine," said Puck. "But one more rule."

He grabbed Kurt's shoulder bag from the blanket. "I am not going to carry a murse."

He started backing away from the blanket laughing, then threw the bag at Artie. Artie caught it, and held it in front of the camera, shook it, and threw it back at Puck. Artie filmed Kurt's face got three shades darker. he seemed to be planning to wait it out. Until Puck went too far, that is.

Noah Puckerman looked back at Kurt as he held the bag over the side of the Grand Cannon. The teasing smile fell, though, when he saw that the normally pale boy's face was redder than a strawberry slushie. When Kurt spoke, it was with very carefully controlled anger.

"That is not a 'murse.' That is a genuine Coach shoulder bag. A rather expensive Coach shoulder bag. And if you if you hurt it in anyway, I will sell your organs to replace it. To you understand me, Noah Allen Puckerman?"

Kurt had never sounded so serious in his life. Puck had the good sense to hang the bag back, very carefully. Kurt strutted back toward the car, leaving the other two to pick up the blanket and follow him.

The rest of the walk back was more awkward than Rachel's crush on Mr. Shue, Quinn's baby scandel, and Kurt's crush on Finn combined.


	5. Chapter 5

As long as the boy realized they should never mess with his accessories ever again, Kurt was perfectly willing to forgive them.

Just in time to get into a fight over who was sleeping where in their hotel room.

It was a tiny room, with one double bed and one, well, floor. The TV set was so old it still had an antenna sticking out of it and you had to open the bathroom door, walk inside, and then close it again to use the toilet. But for $28 a night, with more than three weeks left to pay for, they were will to making some sacrifices.

But not a lot of sacrifices. Because Artie had been cooped up in the back seat of the car for hundreds of miles, except for part of the night when he had to wake up and dive. He'd pulled himself in and out of the chair five times, had to use two non-wheelchair accessible bathrooms and wheeled himself out of the worlds biggest ditch today.

He was tired, and wanted the damn bed.

And apparently so did everyone else. The three boys were wearing their PJs, arranged in a triangle with the camera perched on a table to catch them all in the frame. Puck was in lounge pants and a wife beater, arms crossed and looking like he's physically fight for a chance to sleep on a mattress. Artie was wearing plaid boxers and a white tee shirt, his hands poised on the wheels of the chair like he'd race into the bed. Kurt was wearing a monogrammed silk PJ set of navy blue, and if looks could kill he'd be alone in the bed and the other two would be in the morgue.

"I drove the longest today, I deserve the bed."

"No way princess, you guys left me at the bottom of the Grand Cannon. I want the bed as a peace offering."

"I'm in a wheelchair."

"My face will look awful if I sleep on hard surfaces. I'm not sleeping on the floor."

"Dude, I want the bed. You know what time I woke up today? 6am. You know what time I usually wake up? 1pm. I need sleep. I want the bed."

"I'M IN A WHEELCHAIR."

Kurt sighed and look over at the camera sitting on the table. Puck sat on the bed. Artie glared at both of them.

"Look, let's just be fair about this. We'll draw straws or something."

"How about you two draw straws and I'm freaking calling dibs. Double dibs. Double dibs times infinity. I'll draw a straw next time but tonight I'm sleeping in the bed. With which ever one of you idiots wins the coin toss."

With that decided statement, Artie started climbing into the bed. Puck and Kurt glared at each other. Then they narrowed their eyes. Kurt pulled out a quarter and made to flip it.

"Wait, if its your quarter then I'll flip it." Puck reached forward to grab it.

"No I'll flip it, thanks all the same Puck." Kurt smiled with absolutely no sincerity.

"What, don't trust me Kurt?" Puck put a hand over his heart in mock hurt.

"No, not really."

"For fuck's sake, give me the coin." Artie was tired, and when he was tried things didn't go well for people around him. "Kurt, Puck, head or tails?"

"Head" said Kurt.

"Tails, then," said Puck.

Artie threw the coin up. It turned turned turned in the air, and landed on the bed spread. All three of them leaned in so quickly the knocked head before Kurt straighten triumphantly.

"HA!"

"Shut up princess."

"Kurt, get in the bed now. Puck, we still love you. Have a good night on the floor." Artie started rolling over to reach for the lamp. Puck and Kurt shared a meaningful look as the lights went out.

"He's bitchy when he's tired, huh?"

"YEAH he is. Funny Princess, I figured you'd be the one who needed nine hours of beauty sleep."

"Ha ha. Have fun on the floor."

"KURT. BED. NOW."

"Bow chicka wow wow."

Puck heard two simultaneous and very loud "SHUT UPs" from the bed,


	6. Chapter 6

Quick A/N: I'm not paying close attention to the actual logistics of this trip. The basic route they will be taking is west from Lima to the Grand Cannon, then Vegas, then in a southern loop hitting major cities like Memphis and Little Rock, then up the East Coast stopping in DC and some beaches and ending the trip with a few days in NYC, then back home. They'll have adventutes in small towns and at major stops along the way. So a) I'm just writing about the major stops and b) I'm not always good with miles and times. So if, in reality, it would take them 6 days to drive some where and I'm writing it to take more like 1 and a half, just assumed there were some days in there I skipped ok? Thanks J I just wanted to clear that up, now one with the story!-

"WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS BABY! WOOOOOOOOOO! GET READY FOR OUR WOLF PACK!"

"Dude, get your head back inside the car!" Artie kept his eyes on the road, but started tugging on Puck's shirt to get him to sit back down in the passenger's seat.

"If I find a tiger in our bathroom because of either of you, I will not be helping you. I will however, film your plight." Kurt chimed in from the back seat, where he was holding the camera and maker sure to catch Puck's declaration to the empty road.

Puck sat back down, clearly excited for the adventures to be had. Suddenly, singing filled the car.

"You make me feel like I'm living a teen-aged dream when you turn me on."

Artie and Puck glanced back at Kurt who was holding his phone and looking less enthusiastic than he had a moment before. The two boys in the front looked at each other, clearly trying to communicate "what was that about?" as they listened to Kurt texting a reply.

"Hey Puck." Kurt had put his phone down and was clearly trying to get happy again.

"Did you bring us fake IDs?"

"Yeah dude. Of course I did. I don't even leave my house unless I have three different license in my wallet; mine and two fakes. Why?"

"Just getting more excited for Vegas is all." Kurt smiled to them, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Puck and Artie looked at each other. The atmosphere of the car was heavy.

"Look, as long as no one gets married, everything is fair game in Vegas. Alright?" Artie looked back at Kurt. "And none of us have gir…significant others at home, so let's get ready to have some fucking fun, ok?"

"Yeah man." Puck slapped his shoulder. "The next four days are going to be awesome. We can do whatever we want. We're going to have more fun than we've ever had before in our lives. Right Kurt? Who cares about whiny little morons who broke up with us? Screw girl!"

"I never have, and I never will." Kurt interjected from the back seat, sounding kind of disgusted. But at least now, he was smiling.


	7. Chapter 7

Their entrance into Vegas was the stuff of movies. Staring out the front window they saw flatness, flatness, flatness and then suddenly everything.

There were hotels covered in lights, restaurants offering food full of flashing lights, fountains full of water, and everywhere pretty people in nice clothes.

"Man oh man." Puck was looking out the window again, smiling full of anticipation. "This is going to be the best weekend of my life."

Kurt looked equally excited. "I'm so ready. This is going to be *perfect.*" There were so many people to look at, wearing daring outfits and simply not caring if people turned to stare at them.

"Oh man oh man oh man, this is going to be a week of adven…..FUCK!"

Artie slammed the breaks so fast that Puck flew forward and hit his head on the windshield and Kurt made a chocking sound as his seatbelt locked into place as he was jolting forward.

"What the fuck, Abrams?" Puck had one hand on his forehead and he was trying to pat his Mohawk back in place with the other.

"Someone walked in front of me! I almost hit them!"

"That's because we're in the middle of a crosswalk Artie. Did you not notice that?" Kurt was looking out his window as people glared at the car stalling in the middle of the white lines.

"I didn't realize that people actually paid attention to those. No one in Lima treats them any differently." Artie started driving far more carefully as the last person made it safely onto the sidewalk.

"Yeah well that's because we're not in Lima anymore!" Puck had gotten over the indignation of being thrown into the windshield and the excitement of being in sin city was back.

"Woooo!" Everyone in the car cheered again, though Artie refused to remove his eyes from the road.

They made it to the hotel without any more incidents, apart from getting flipped off by a women in stilettos when Puck wolf whistled out the window.


	8. Chapter 8

Kurt tried really hard to be sophisticated. Usually it wasn't that hard for him; he liked high fashion, dinner parties and theatre. But everyone had their weaknesses. And Kurt's happened to be a pair of blond twins on Disney channel with a musical mother and children's books about a six year old girl living in the Plaza hotel in New York City.

Which is why he couldn't resist riding the luggage cart like a skateboard through the hallways of the hotel, into the elevator, and straight up to their door with Artie holding onto the back and Puck running to catch up.

"Kurt you little…..Holy shit." Kurt had unlocked the door to hold it open, going from acting like a 7 year old back to acting like an snarkey 17 year old in mere seconds. He raised an eye brow. Artie's jaw dropped.

"I told you I knew how to book hotels."

"Kurt Elizabeth Hummel. You are my very best friend in the whole entire world. I love you Kurt. I mean that, I love you." Artie said while almost reverently looking around the room. Puck followed in with the luggage cart and a grin that could only be described as "shit-eating."

The room screamed Vegas. The one bed was a California king; it probably could have slept the entire Glee club comfortably. It was coved in silk sheets, and there was a mirror on the ceiling. The TV was 60 inches, the couch was overstuff and leather, the mini bar was stocked, the shower was incased in glass and clearly, you were meant to use it as a stage and put on a show.

Puck was already thinking about how he could use that shower.

Kurt, on the other hand, was thinking about the bed. In that he hadn't seen a mattress that big since they did a commercial for Mattress Land.

"I GET UP! AND NOTHING GETS MEEEEEEEEEEEEE DOWN. YOU'VE GOT IT TOUGH? I'VE SEEN THE TOUGHEST A-ROUUUND!"

It really was impressive how quickly he'd gone from being in knee high boots to jumping on the bed barefoot.

"And I knooooow baby just how you feeeeeel." Another voice entered for the chorus.

Artie was in Vegas, and he was going to act stupid. Starting now. By belting part of an eighties hair metal song in a key much higher than he could really manage in a hotel room while lying on a California king bed with one of his best friends jumping next to his head and sent him from lying on his back to flying in the air every six-ish seconds. It was only going to get crazier from here.

Puck just stared at them, looking like he thought it was possible they were such lightweights that they'd just breathed in downtown Las Vegas and they were already drunk. But….but…

But they were having more non-sexual fun on a bed than Puck thought was possible, and that song was really fun to sing. It was one of the best glee club numbers. And this trip was about fun, and they were in fucking Vegas.

What happens here stays here.

"Might as well jump." Puck was right on cue as he took a running leap onto the bed.


	9. Chapter 9

The first night in Vegas night was Kurt's night. That had been decided as soon as the boy's conversations about the trip went from "How fun would it be if…." and "Lima sucks" to "I've worked enough hours…" and "my dad will let me take the wheelchair accessible car."

Kurt was going to have a "classy night on the town." Puck and Artie agreed to do it, even if it wasn't their cup of tea. As long as it was the first night in Vegas, it would almost be like pacing themselves. And Artie was pretty sure that he'd heard that there were half naked chicks in Cacique de Solie, which was cool by him. The boys were thinking that with the money they had, they'd be in for a dinner _somewhere _and then one show.

They hadn't counted on Kurt's bargaining skills. He bought from the same fashion houses as the Royal family on a teenager's budget , for god's sakes, he knew how to stretch a buck.

Which is how he got them into a whine tasting, tickets to a sold out fashion show, dinner at one of the best sucie places in America, and a limo with VIP tickets to take them to Cerique de Solie. Puck and Artie hadn't counted on this.

They also hadn't counted on Kurt having a pre-made dress code for them.

"I didn't pack a suit jacket. I have a windbreaker though…"

"Dude, is this laminated?"

"Yes, Puck it is." Kurt examined his face as he looked at the list. "And you didn't pack a single thing on that list, did you?"

"I have a feather boa?" he offered. Puck felt a little bad. This was supposed to be Kurt's night. They didn't have stuff like this in Lima, or anywhere really, and Kurt was still visibly depressed by whoever had texted him in the car.

"I am going to get dressed. You guys…" Kurt looked over at their four bags, then back at his seven. "At this point, maybe you guys should go naked."

"I'm saving that for tomorrow, actually." Artie quipped.

Kurt rolled his eyes, but he did have a small smile when he went into the bathroom. He came out in a full tuxedo 9 minutes later with his hair gelled into some sort of mocked pompadour.

Artie raised his eye brows at Puck, who gave Kurt a once over then nodded.

"I don't have anything like that packed, Kurt."

"I figured as much Mr. Abams. However, you and I are roughly the same size. So we'll fix this. Don't smirk like that Noah Puckerman, don't think I'm letting you such a boring tee shirt in public. I wear oversized clothes, I'm going to have something for you too."

Forty-eight minutes, 92 articles of clothing, a bottle of hair gel, and seventeen safety pins later, after enough yelling to have house keeping knock at the door, setting off the fire alarm, coming dangerously close to breaking the wheelchair, and making Puck cry, Kurt declared that "at least he'd look good in comparison" and to "come on the wine tasting was starting in twenty minutes."


	10. Chapter 10

They walked the block and a half to get to the wine tasting, and stopped outside the door. Kurt took a deep breath.

"Look you two. I love you dearly, I really really do. But if you embarrass me, or ruin my one classy night in any way shape or form, I will garrote you both. Understand?"

Puck nodded and tried to look adult until Kurt turned around. Then he turned to Artie.

"Dude what does gaar-ot* mean?"

"I have no idea. I think it's French though, so it can't be that bad right?"

Walking into the venue, Kurt suddenly turned into Mr. Confidence as he strutted toward the guest book. Artie and Puck turned into small children in a candy store, staring up the glass ceiling and at the tables with glasses on them.

"Follow me. Hello? Artie. Artie! Hey. Hi. Follow me, you two." Kurt brought the two back to earth as he followed a guy in a suit to their three person table.

"Here's your table, Mr. Hummel." The guy in the suit looked just out a college, and had super straight, super white teeth that all showed when he smiled. Puck wanted to punch him in the face.

"I said call me Kurt! But thanks so much Brian." Kurt's smile was equal dazzling but less infuriating.

Artie leaned across the table toward Kurt. "What was that?"

"That was getting our table upgraded, Artie. Just because I was desperately seeing thing that just weren't there in Lima doesn't mean I have no gaydar at all. Puck, put your napkin on your lap."

"But it looks like a swan! I don't want to mess it up, that probably took someone forever."

"It actually doesn't take that long. My mom used to be a waitress in college, she still folds napkins like this for Easter Dinners. She can do like twenty in ten minutes." Artie offered as a consolation as he pulled the video camera out of the bag to set on the table. "Here, show it to me before you unfold it."

Puck did, then set it on his lap like Kurt told him to. Artie fiddled with the camera until it was placed in such a way that everyone was caught on film. Puck stuck his tongue out at the camera. Kurt kicked him under the table.

"Wait, so Kurt. How does a wine tasting work?" Artie suddenly realized he didn't know why there was an empty ice bucket in front or him, or thirty glasses on their table, or why their was a microphone set up like their would be doing a commentary on the event.

Artie stopped to think what that commentary would be like. "Annnnd over there at table five they're drinking the pino noir, looks like they're enjoying the sweet flavor, But at table eight it looks like that tall girl is getting a bit tipsy. I remind you all to be gentlemen."

"Dude, we just drink wine. How hard can it be?" Puck was munching on some cheese and gesturing at Artie with a toothpick to get his attention.

Kurt caught his arm and held to the table with surprising force. His next sentences came out through clenched teeth.

"It isn't hard _if you know the rules _which clearly you do not. So let me explain to you. First of all, you don't drink wine. You taste it. The connoisseur will tell you what the wine is called, the waiter will come over and pour you some wine. You will sip it and hold it in your mouth, swishing it around to get the full taste. Then you spit it out into the bucket…"

"What?" Puck and Artie had been paying close attention. Up until that last bit, everything had sounded weird, but sort of understandable. But that.

"You want me to spit out perfectly good alcohol? What are you, crazy?" This was completely out side of the realm of anything that Puck understood.

"The point of a wine tasting is not to get drunk, it is to appreciate all the different flavors! If you drank a glass of every whine you tasted, you'd be too tipsy after like the fourth glass to judge the other six!"

"Maybe you would be," smirked Puck, "But I think I could handle it."

"Whatever Puck. See that card next to you with the pencil on it, Artie? You rate each wine from 1-10 on it, and when we've tasted each wine you get a glass of your favorite. You can drink that one." Kurt glared at Puck.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen, I think its about time to start out tasting. Our servers are now bringing out a 1942.….."

Please don't let them embarrass me, thought Kurt.

Please don't let me embarrass myself, thought Artie, Or Kurt.

Where's my freaking booze, thought Puck.

*So no one is forced onto google, garrote means to strangle/behead someone with a wire. Kurt's serious about his classy night. It's a good buzz word though, and Artie's right, the etymology is French.

-Thanks for so many story alerts/favorites! I'd love a few more reviews though *hint hint*


	11. Chapter 11

Puck looked like a mix between a llama and a baby that had it's lollipop stolen every time he had to spit out some wine. All things considered, however, Kurt was pretty happy with him.

Artie, on the other hand, had totally forgotten to mark which wine he liked best and when Brian came to ask which one he'd like to have a full glass of, Artie made him wait while he played 'enny-meenie-minoie-moe' with the menu.

Kurt took out his phone to mark on his calendar the first time Puck had been the mature one.

When the glasses of wine arrived, Kurt took a dainty sip and smiled at Brian. Artie took a cautious sip to see what he'd gotten.

Puck drank the whole thing down like an over sized shot, finished with a loud "Ahhh" and looked around for a refill.

Kurt took out his phone and deleted his last calendar entry.

Puck and Artie finished their wines before Kurt did, so they trecked out side to wait for him to finish.

He walked out ten minutes later to Puck sitting next to Artie's chair on the curb, looking wistfully at the strip club across the street. He rolled his eyes theatrically.

"Come on you two, and stop staring at the poor strippers. What their mothers' must think, I don't know. Come on, we have a fashion show to go to! Up up up!"

"I'd rather see half naked women walking down a runway than skinny boys who doesn't smile," muttered Artie. Puck gave him a high five.

"Oh come on. This is Vegas, there will always be women in rubber….."

"What? Where?" Puck started looking around.

"That's a quote about a lesbian couple in a musical, Puck, not a direct observation of my surroundings."

"Don't tease me like that!"

"Would you hurry up?'

"Wait a minute Kurt. I thought we were going to a fashion show. This is the way back to the hotel."

"Of course it is! You didn't think I'd go to a fashion show dressed like _this _did you?" He gestured to his tux.

"Um, yes? I did? Didn't you say it was Arm-on-I or something?" Artie was confused. Puck just looked scared at the thought that Kurt was going to force him to change again.

"No I need something far more couture/punk rock for _this _particular show."

"I'm pretty sure those things are supposed to be mutually exclusive," came a voice from behind Artie. Brian was walking out of the building, off for the night.

"Hey again," he said to Kurt. " Before I left for the night (Artie leaned in closer to catch the whole conversation) I just wanted to give you this (Puck shamelessly leaned around Brian to see what it was)"

Kurt took the wine bottle with a wide, stunning smile. "Omigosh, thank you. You are absolutely too sweet!" He flirtaly pushed Brain's shoulder. Puck and Artie looked at each other, wide-eyed.

"Well, I figured you'd actually appericate it." Brian rolled his eyes. " Some of the waiters have no knowledge of wine; I have no idea why they're here."

"I know what you mean." Kurt glared pointedly at Puck and Artie, who had the good sense to look ashamed. For a second, anyway.

"Yeah. Well, here's something else for you." Artie and Puck stopped just short of physically pushing over Brian to see what was in his hand. "In case you need someone to appreciate it with."

Kurt took the paper with a demure smile, trying to look like he got phone numbers from college boys all the time. It was taking almost all of his acting skills, which is why he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Catch you later." Brain smiled and walked away. Artie and Puck watched him with narrowed eyes then turned toward Kurt.

"Shut up."

"But Kurt, you got a dateeeeeeeeeeee." Puck was never going to let this go.

"Yeah man, get it innnnnn" Artie followed up.

"Or should we be telling him to get in in?" Puck had the pure audacity to wink at Kurt, who was the same red color as a fire truck.

"No one is getting anything anywhere right now, except all of us to our hotel and then a fashion show."

"But Kuuuuuurt…"

"Puck! Artie! Shut. Up."

They didn't of course, and on the way back to the hotel, Kurt was rather shocked to learn that they both knew enough about gay sex to make some truly disgusting jokes.

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you so much for your support on this story! You're suck a treat! I would however like to point out that there's an average of about 0.00333 reviews per reader... Even more feed back please? :)

Thank you!


	12. Chapter 12

Back at the hotel, Puck and Artie entertained themselves with thumb wars while they waited for Kurt.

Kurt was in the bathroom, holding his breath and jumping up and down to get into his skinny leather pants. It took him seven minutes, but it was worth it.

He emerged from the bathroom in his skinny leather pants, a strange tank top thing with the British flag on it that went to the middle of his thighs, a shrunken sort of blazer, and booties with four inch heels and studs on them. His hair could only be described as "sex hair", gelled to stick up much like it did when they sang "Born this Way".

"I'm pretty sure Santana has those shoes," Artie told him.

"Her's are knock offs," Kurt told him rather smugly. "Although she does work them either way, I must admit."

"Good thing you didn't wear that too the wine tasting, Brian would have been all over you even more." Puck was never going to let this go.

"Puck, stop making fun of my natural charisma and start putting something more suitable on. And Artie, put those pants I gave you on."

"Dude, I can't move my legs. How do you expect me to put on skinny jeans?"

"Fashion is pain. Now go."

Artie rolled his eyes, but he realized that it would probably be best to just do what Kurt said. And it's true, he probably would look better in the jeans. At least they weren't as tight as Kurt's leather ones.

Ironically it only took Artie five minutes to get into his pants, as apposed to Kurt's seven.

When he got back into his chair, he saw Kurt and Puck in a rather passionate fight about his belt buckle. For some reason, Kurt didn't consider a belt buckle that said "Party" with an arrow pointing down to be high fashion. Eventually, Puck won the fight by pointing out that the belt buckle went with the cowboy boats Kurt insisted that Puck wear.

They finally took off toward a casino, Artie leading the way. But as they were about to go in, a large man in a bad suit stopped them.

"Boy, this is a fashion show. You sure this is where you want to be?"

"Yeah, we're sure." Puck glared at the security guard. "You sure you can…"

"Puck, stop." Kurt came up from behind them and push Puck over a little, then flashed the man a smile. "Hey. Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel. I should be right at the top of the list."

To Artie and Puck's total shock, the bouncer suddenly broke into a huge smile.

"Of course! They're expecting you Kurt, step right in. Keep those two in line, huh?"

Kurt nodded with a surprising amount of authority, and started walking in to the building.

"They're expecting us? What is this, a horror movie?" Artie looked up at Puck.

"I don't know man, I've never been on any good kinds of lists before though."

"Guys, come with me."

The other two followed him in, slightly cautiously. He pulled them into a smaller room.

"Did you want to check coats or bags or anything?" He asked the other two. The both shook their heads. "Good, then put these on." He started passing out lanyards.

"What are these?" Artie asked.

"All access passes." Kurt handed one to Puck, and put his own around his neck.

"What? Dude, why do you have all access passes?"

"Don't worry about it, I have my ways. Now…"

"No seriously, who did you sleep with to get these?" Artie asked half seriously.

"NOW FOLLOW ME," Kurt pointy ignored Artie while Puck snickered. "And for the love of god, neither of you hit on any of the models ok?"

"No promises." Artie started wheeling after Kurt while Puck nodded is agreement.

Going to the show, Puck and Artie thought Kurt looked ridiculous. His outfit probably cost a lot of money, and it was probably all the rage in Paris or Mexico or something, but to be honest Puck and Artie couldn't understand what he was going for.

But he looked down right boring next to the other people waiting to watch the show.

For once, Artie was glad he couldn't walk, because some of those shoes were scaring him.

* * *

><p>AN: Ohh why is Kurt such an insider? Take a guess in the reviews (hint hint)

Thanks so much to those who have reviewed, or put me on alerts or favorites, I'm so glad you like it!

As HappyEmoness pointed out, I had the title mispelled. I noticed that pathetically late on livejournal, and I thought I'd already fixed it here, but I guess not! Thanks for pointing that out, it's sort of embarassing ;P

I hope that doesn't confuse anyone, its still the same story in every other way.


	13. Chapter 13

Kurt however, was bypassing all of the people surrounding them and was walking right through a door clearly marked Do Not Enter.

"Come on."

"Can you read? This says Do Not Enter, I'd rather not go back to juvie Princess."

"Artie, could you please explain to Puck in explicit detail what 'all access pass' means because I don't think he's getting it." Kurt didn't even look back as he pushed through the door.

Artie wheeled through the door as quickly as he possibly could, and Puck followed him backwards looking around like he fully expected to be tazered for this.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Puck and Artie turned to Kurt.

"Kurt," Artie hissed. "What the hell I…."

"Kurt!" He turned around and smiled just before a he was caught in a bone crushing hug.

"Ahhh, mon petite choux-fleur!" Kurt was swinging someone around now, their legs bent at the knees and sticking out behind them. He put whoever was in his arms down, and turned around.

"Puck, Artie, this is Brigitte. She's the next big thing in fashion. Well, besides me of course." The brunette girl giggled as she leaned down toward Kurt to put their foreheads together.

"I am so glad you are here for my show Kurt. I cannot wait for you to watch what I'll be wearing."

"Of course I'm at your show Brigitte. I'm the one who got you in the show. Honestly….." Kurt was rolling his eyes exaggeratedly at here, but it was clear that he was (mostly) kidding.

"I must go now, but see me later cil vous plait?"

"Naturally, Bridge. Now strut!"

"Good bye Artie, Good bye Puck," the model was turning to walk away with a wave at the other hand. Artie waved in a way he thought was flirty, but it ended up looked more starstruck.

"Bitch! I hate you."

"Excuse me Noah Puckermen?"

"You don't even like girls!"

"Yeah," Artie stopped watching the model's rear-end. "Why are they all over you? You have to share."

"I'll keep that in mind, Artie." Kurt's sarcasm could make lesser men cry, but Artie was used to it. "Keep with me."

"No, dude." Puck grabbed Kurt's arm and spun him back toward them. "Tell us what is going on here, you have some kind of in and I want to know about it."

"I told you, I have my ways." Kurt said this with authority, but it also sounded like he wanted the subject dropped.

"Kurt, you are backstage at a fashion show hugging models. What is going on? You're from _Ohio!" _This was way too twilight zone for Artie. At home, Kurt was one of the two number one slushie targets. Here, he was practically getting some sort of star treatment.

"Yeah, dude. That doesn't explain anything, especially not the part about why you have hot models launching themselves at you, which is the part I'd like to know about."

"Of course it is Puck. Of course it is." Kurt shook his head. "Look, have you ever noticed that some of the clothes I wear made the runway debute the day before I wear them? Or that I have shirts that cost more than two thousands dollars?"

"No way!"

"Yeah, I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't, everyone in Lima buys things in twelve packs from Wal-mart. Neither of you spend enough money to care about the quality of your clothes. But I do. So when my supposedly wonderful Prada sunglasses fall apart right away, I say something and if the Band of Outsiders blazer is a total steal? I tell people."

"I've never heard you say anything," said Artie.

"That's because I don't tell you, I tell people who'll care. I stared leaving reviews on the websites and I guess I got voted up so many times that Teen Vogue online hired me to be one of their bloggers. People trust my reviews to decide if the want to buy things."

"Ok, so you tell people whether or not a pair of pants will give them a wedgie. I still don't understand why we're here."

"Because the people trust me! I impact the sales of clothing. When a new line comes out, I get the clothes early to review them. I get invited to shows because designers want me to say nice things about them. That is why we're here."

"Do you get paid?" Puck asked.

"I get paid in trade." He might as well have answered in Latin. "That means I get paid in free clothes, basically."

"Lame," declared Puck.

"Then how do you know models?" Artie had a surprisingly intense one track mind.

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," Kurt said in a controlled tone. "Does that clear everything up? I'm under appreciated for my obvious talent in Lima, same old same old right?"

"No one under appreciates you're talent in Lima. We all know how much skill you need to get into pants that tight," Artie informed him matter a factly. Puck snickered.

Kurt smiled. "Well good, I guess _some _of my talents are acknowledged, then."

* * *

><p>AN: Major props to IssyRedbird who guessed correctly in their comment "He's pretty famous on every high status website. Obviously." That was, in fact, the plot here! Kurt has a lot of opinions, I can see him writing meaningful reviews and blog enteries, maybe even posting photos of his own outfits. And since he knows his stuff, he gained the respect of people within the industry. So that's this story's cannon! Hope you approve of my head cannon.

Also, updates will usually be faster than this. I had a computer battery problem and couldn't get on to write. Sorry!


	14. Chapter 14

They had front row seats for the actual runway show. It was a different experience for each of the boys.

Puck was seriously confused. And kind of bored. Models were supposed to be sexy, but everyone walking down the runway was wearing too much make up and never smiled. That meant the only thing left to look at was the clothes, and that didn't interest him. Puck got further in life when he was naked anyway.

Artie got a headache. The back beats were too loud, the colors were too crazy and for some reason there were disco balls every three feet. It didn't help that they were in the front row either, because that meant he had to crane his neck to see. Kurt was right; fashion was pain.

Kurt was in seventh heaven. He kept making notes on his program, gasped periodically, and at one point nearly shouted "Floral? OF COURSE!" Every so often, he grabbed Artie's arm and shouted 'did you see that?' into his ear, which did nothing for the boy's headache.

By the 11th outfit, Puck had fallen asleep and Artie was leaning heavily on his hand and trying to avoid the lights.

Kurt was still enthralled and manically whispering things like 'that would go perfectly with my Marc Jacob's boots' every minute and a half or so.

The show ended about fifteen minutes later. Kurt finally looked back at the other two and gave Puck a sharp jab with his elbow. Puck jerked awake and started clapping, then looked around and realized that he was the only one. He casually switched from applauding to scratching his nose.

"And now we mingle." Kurt was walking back through the backstage door.

"I'm hungry though," interrupted Artie.

"Did you want something? Hey, excuse me? Could you bring that platter over here?" Kurt started gesturing at a waiter, who came over with a veggie platter and waited for Artie to dip his snack.

"I'm sober," mentioned Puck hopefully.

"Not happening Puck, I need to make a good impression on this Michel if I want him to give my any of his designs for free." Kurt started leading the two backstage again. He went right up to a short man with a light beard and hair that looked like it had been shellacked into place. This, apparently, was Michel because Kurt shock his hand and started gesturing at the models standing around.

Models that were, Puck realized, undressing.

"That's a wake up call. Artie are you seeing this?"

"Seeing what?" Artie's head still hurt him and he was leaning on his fist and looking at the floor.

"Seeing her! Dude, be right back." Puck thumped Artie on the shoulder and turned to walk toward a redhead in an almost sheer dress. Artie rolled his eyes.

"Some friend, eh?" Artie turned around to see Brigitte smiling at him. "He is leaving you?"

"I think he's trying to get her number. He doesn't want any compitition, since I'm such a stud of course." Artie smiled, hoping that that would indicate he was joking. She smiled.

"But of course. You look good but you do not look well though. Are you ill?"

"Ah, just a little head ache is all. It was th…."

"It was the lights." Brigitte didn't even bother making is sound like a question. "It is even worse on the runway. And I do it in these heels!" She smiled and Artie laughed. "Come, I will give you some asprin."

Artie took it greatfully from her. "Thanks, that's so much better. We're still going to Circque de Solie."

"Ah! This is a good show. I hope you have fun. I must go now, my sweat pants are calling me."

"Oh. Alright. Bye?"

The second she entered her dressing room Puck reappered by Artie's side.

"Well?" Artie practically jumped through the ceiling.

"Da hell did you get there?"

"Did you get her number?"

"You almost gave me a heart attack and you're worried if I got her number?"

"Yeah, did you?"

"NO!"

"God damn it Artie, have I taught you nothing?"

"The last time you tried to teach me about girls you told me to be a rude asshole."

"That worked though!"

"No it didn't, it made me scared to go back to Breadstixs for a month and a half because I was afraid they'd hate me for trying to dine and dash."

"Buuuuuut you got laid."

"Who got laid?" Kurt walked back into the conversation holding a list of clothes he was to expect in the mail and looking at the two boys.

"Wheels here would be getting laid, if he knew how to ask a girl for her number," Puck supplied.

"She was gone too fast!"

"Who was gone to fast?"

"Brigitte. She gave me asprine for my head ache then went to put on sweatpants and Puck seems to think I should have gotten in her pants in those two minutes," Artie clarified.

"As if it wasn't enough that you breeders are all working your way through the Glee club, now you're going after my other friends too? For Pete's sake…"

Puck smirked and even Artie had to admit that was kind of funny. In a wow-that's-kind-of-true sort of way.

"Here's a word of advice; people who are so pretty they get paid for it are probably out of your league."

"Thanks for that vote of confidence Princess. We appreciate it."

"I thought this was my night. Why are we talking about girls?" Kurt looked up suddenly with a questioning look. Artie and Puck burst out laughing.

"Then how about we get something for everyone. Fucking food. I'm hungry." Puck put his arm around Kurt and looked down at him as he talked. Kurt and Artie both laughed.

"Alright. Fucking food. Let's go." Kurt said.

"FOOOOOOD!" Artie shouted the word like a war cry, then pumped out his fist to lead the way out of the building.

"Annnnnd there goes any respect that I gained at this show. Out the door. In a wheelchair. Thanks to Mr. Abrams. Wonderful."

* * *

><p>AN: Remember to review review review guys! I really appericate it.


	15. Chapter 15

"If I'd know that sushi meant raw fish, I wouldn't have been as excited about this."

Artie looked down right sullen, sitting across from Puck and Artie on the table.

"How could you not know that? That's like not knowing who won best picture." Puck made a face at Kurt that clearly said two things: a) he thought that Kurt was being a diva and b) he had no idea who won best picture.

"Look, I'll try it. Maybe it will be good."

"That the spirit Puck!" Kurt smiled at him.

"Alrightttt. So when do they bring us silverware?"

"You eat sushi with chopsticks, genuis." Artie shot from across the table.

"And how you know that, since you didn't even know what sushi was until three minutes ago?" Puck wanted to know.

"There are chopsticks on you plate and a sign that says request silverware if needed."

"Oh." Puck picked the two chopsticks up and pulled them apart. "Huh."

"We don't have to order ourselves do we?" Artie asked from behind a menu. "Because I don't have any idea what to do…"

"No I signed us up for some introductory course thing. And I think you're holding the menu upside down."

Artie flipped it over and looked again. He made a face at Kurt. "It made more sense the other way."

At that moment, someone came over wheeling a cart covered with bowls full of different colors of food. The boys looked at it all with wonder in their eyes as the man behind the cart started putting the bowls on the table.

"Here is your food. I hope that you enjoy." The person behind the cart bowed then left.

"Is….is he coming back?" Artie asked, watching him leave. Kurt shrugged. Puck poked something green with a dot of pink in the middle with the end of his chopstick.

"Didn't we decided that sushi was Japanese? Why is this called a settle roll?" Puck asked.

"I don't know. But this all looks really good." Kurt was holding his chopsticks at the ready, prepared to grab something. "Wait wait wait. Lets do thing together."

Artie raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Ok, so we'll each put one of everything on our plate, and then we'll all eat the same thing together at the same time!" Kurt smiled, and Puck turned to squint at him.

"What is it, Noah?"

"I knew you were gay, but I didn't think you were _that _gay." Puck told him.

"That's offence, you know."

"Have you even met Puck, Kurt? Of course he knows its offensive," Artie told him from across the table.

"Fine, I take it back then," Puck said. "I'll do this whole group eating thing with you."

The plates were more like saucers, so they couldn't fit everything on at once. Instead, they each took something from the first five bowls and put it on their plates. They stared at the plates. Then they stared at each other.

"Alright, lets start. First, eat this one with the green mushy stuff inside."

"That sounds appetizing." Artie ate it dispite his sarcasm. It was pretty good, the three of them decided, so under Kurt's direction they ate one of everything in the same order. Some of it was quite delicious, except for the one roll that they thought had rice in it but it actually was cream cheese, which caused Artie to gag on it in surprise.

Finally, the only thing left on the table was a little bowl with something green in it.

"The hell is that?" Puck wanted to know.

"It looks like algae," continued Artie. He poked the bowl with his chopstick.

"It isn't algea," Kurt maintained. He didn't know quite what it was, but god forbid he sounded like some sort of uncultured country boy by asking someone. Especially in the middle of one of the most famous sushi places in America.

"If it isn't algea then what is it?" asked Artie.

"Its probably avocado. That's what was in the first roll we had."

"Taste it," Puck told Kurt. He poke Kurt with him chopstick.

"Fine, I will." Kurt used his chop sticks to scoop up a sizable bite of the green goop from the bowl in the middle of the table, and popped it in his mouth.

It wasn't avocado; it was wasabi.

Five alarm, super hot, taste bud killing, set your mouth on fire, brings you to tears, extra spicy wasabi.

Kurt's reaction was instant and extreme; he knocked over his water glass, over turned two bowls of rice, started fanning his mouth, and crying.

"Holy shit Kurt, what the fuck?" Puck only just managed to avoid getting water on his pants.

"HAAAAA-ah ah ah," came Kurt's answer and he kept fanning his mouth with his hand.

"Calm down man. Artie, what's wrong with him?"

"I think it's hot," said Artie. "Kurt is it hot?"

"YAAAA. HUUUUU!" Kurt almost broke his neck nodding.

"I guess it wasn't algae then."

"Have drink Princess." Kurt gestured toward the spilled water on the table desperately.

"Oh yeah. Here!" Puck handed Kurt his glass, which Kurt downed faster than Puck had ever seen anyone do anything. Ever.

"Are you alright man?" Artie asked. Kurt nodded while panting like a dog.

"That's not avocado," Kurt finally managed to inform the other two. Puck snorted and Artie smiled with raised eyebrows.

It was then that they noticed that every single person in the restaurant was looking at them. Even the chef was sticking his head through the door to look at him.

Kurt slammed his head onto the table and groaned.

"Please tell me you got that on film, Abrams."

"Of course I did."

Kurt groaned louder.

* * *

><p>AN: I actually had to do some research (read; I went on wikipedia) to figure some things out about sushi, so I hope none of this is totally wrong. Please leave me some reviews!


	16. Chapter 16

They left the restaurant as quickly and as inconspicuously as teenagers in a wheelchair, with a Mohawk, and wearing women's heels could.

They were fairly noticeable.

"Hey Abrams, how quickly could we upload that video? I bet Santana would like to see it."

"Shut up Puck."

"No, see, I think I should upload it to facebook and tag the glee club."

"Shut up Artie."

"Maybe we should send it to America's funniest home videos. They pay money for this kind of stuff."

"SHUT UP PUCK." Artie and Puck started laughing at Kurt, who really wasn't that amused.

"How about instead of that, we pretend that this never happened, and never speak of it again."

"I don't know Kurt, that was pretty funny," Artie said while focusing the camera on Kurt.

"If you show that video to anyone with out my permission, I'll tell everyone that you sing Disney songs in your sleep."

"Kurt! Don't do that, I'm supposed to be a tough guy!" He dropped the camera from Kurt's face.

Puck started laughing, until he saw Artie's questioning look.

"Sorry, I thought you were kidding."

"I rap." Artie told Puck. "That's tough."

"Its not touch if it involves the phrase 'Stop! Hammer time' dude."

"Or parachute pants," added Kurt, happy that they weren't talking about his embarrassment anymore. "Now can we get in the limo?"

The three boys piled in to the back, sitting comfortably in the softly lit limousine.

"Don't hate on Disney man, it's like the most romantic music ever. Great for dates." Artie turned suddenly to tell Kurt.

"I know its romantic. Musicals are only the reason for every idea I have about romance ever. I've never actually heard someone use it on a date though."

"You mean Finn didn't tell you about New York?"

"Finn didn't tell me anything about New York, he's horrible at lady chats. All he ever does is drink the warm milk." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Is 'warm milk' a euphemism for something?" Puck asked with a suggestive eyebrow raise.

"I'm surprised that you even know what 'euphemism' means. And no it's not. At all."

"He really didn't tell you about Bella Notte?" Artie interrupted.

"No?"

"Asshole, I stole an accordion to sing that for him." Puck interjected.

"What! Guys, tell me this story!"

The rest of the trip to Cirque du Soleil consisted of Puck and Artie telling the story of Finn's attempt to be romantic. This retelling, however, was a little more focused on how Puck had to run from the large Italian man he stole the accordion from and how Sam and Artie had to teach Mike the words on the was to the restaurant and less on Finn and Rachel's actual date.

* * *

><p>AN: Well, everyone, I've started illustrating this story! Here's how to find the pictures:

-The cover art is already done and posted, and you can find it at www. justsomecrazydreamer . tumblr . com / post / 7548311118 / remember-my-glee-fanfiction-this-is-the-cover-art (minus the spaces). I'll be coloring it in as well, so stay tuned.

-All the illustrations are going to be posted on my tumblr, which is www. justsomecrazydreamer . tumblr . com (once again minus all those pesky spaces, fanfiction doesn't like links). If you want, you can follow me there or track the tag #The Roadtrip Of A Lifetime , which I'll tag all the pictures with, so in theory that should get you the pictures.

-When this whole story is done, I will add one last chapter that has a list of all the illustrations. The last chapter will be called "Illustrations" and it will have all the links and instructions.

Now here's where you come in. Two things;

One, I want to know if you like the illustrations! So for this chapter, leave me a reviews of the cover art!

And two, there is going to be art for each chapter, but before I do each chapter, I want to know what you think should be the art. So, leave a review on each chapter and or just on this chapter or as a PM here or in my tumblr ask box or _anything_ really, but start with the phrase "Favorite line" and then tell me you're favorite lines from each chapter that you think should have accompanying art.

Thank you so much everyone! You're all great!


	17. Chapter 17

As the limo pulled up to the theatre, Kurt again pulled out backstage passes and handed them out.

"I'm seriously learning to love these things," Artie said.

"I'm pretty sure there are hot girls in Cirque du Soleil, Abrams this is your second chance. Don't screw up on getting numbers this time."

"There are plenty of good looking people in this show. And if you hurry up, we'll be able to see them before the show begins," Kurt informed everyone as he took swift steps toward the door.

"Really?" Puck looked like someone had told him Hanukah had been upgraded from eight days to 365.

"Yes Puck, that's the beauty of a backstage pass. You get to see actors put on spandex pre-show." Kurt was clearly trying to sound uninterested and a little sarcastic. But the idea of male dancers in spandex was a very pleasant one, and he would be lying if he told people he wasn't looking forward to looking at them.

"Models and dancers in one night, this is the best night of my life," Artie said with a far away look on his eyes.

Kurt and Puck both laughed at Artie as they started walking up the stairs and showed their passes to the usurer type at the door; Kurt with the authority he'd had since right before the wine tasting, and Puck with the world's most charming grin. He nodded them in.

"I am so excited for these babes," Puck smiled.

"I'm excited for the well rehearsed and well executed performance."

"Yeah yeah I get it. You're the classy one, and we're in it for the titties. _We don't care. _Right Artie? Artie? Dude?" Puck stopped and glanced behind him, then looked over at Kurt. "Where the fuck did he go?"

Kurt shrugged with an annoyed air, then looked over his shoulder. Suddenly, his head snapped back toward Puck and his eyes got comically large.

"Puck, we forgot Artie."

"Motherfuc-"

Both boys were running toward the door before he finished the syllable. Puck ran like a football player, making his self solid, barreling through the hallway and knocking over a trash can. Kurt ran more like a dancer, with long strides, landing on his toes and turning on a dime.

He still knocked over the same trash can.

They got to the door at the same moment, and in their rush to get to Artie they both tried to go through it at the same time. They got stuck with Puck's elbow lodged in Kurt's hip bone, and Kurt's palm was squishing Puck's face against the door frame.

Artie was waiting for them with his arms crossed.

With an almightily lunge forward, they dislodged themselves from the doorframe. Kurt did a near perfect face plant into the ground. Puck did a near perfect face plant into Kurt.

Artie raised his eyebrows.

"Dude, I thought you were behind us!"

"Going up the stairs? I can see how you'd think that."

"Don't be mad Artie, we're really sorry. Right Kurt?"

"Yebb Ary weeer vebby sowwy. No-ow gebbb off meh Puuuuu!" answered from somewhere beneath Puck's chest.

"Oh yeah!" Puck got up and offered a hand to pull Kurt off the ground. Kurt got up with a diva attitude and a rock stuck to the his forehead.

Artie was defiantly hiding a smile now. But he was doing it well.

Kurt took a deep breath and turned toward the bouncer/usurer who was by the door, who yawned. He lived Vegus and worked for crazy people in colorful costumes. It would take a lot more than a Mohawk, a wheelchair, and a life sized porcelain doll to get him upset.

"Is there a door with a ramp?"

"Round back."

"Thank you." The three boys turned to walk around toward the back of the building and find the right door in absolute silence.

When they rounded the corner, they saw a stage door with a long ramp attached. Artie wheeled in front of Puck, then started passed Kurt.

"You know you have a rock stuck to your forehead, right?" Artie told him. Kurt's hand flew to his head.

And that's how they knew the were forgiven. This time.

* * *

><p>AN; I am soooo sorry that I haven't updated in more than 10 days! Real life came a-calling and with the time away from the story came writers block. I will NEVER do that again, I swear. I don't want to go making promises I can't keep, but I am going to try to spam you all with chapters over the next week to make up for it.

I want you all to know that you're comments are really really awesome and they make my day when I get them, and inspire me to keep writing! I read them all of course, and I do know that you're wondering about how the Klaine break up went down and how Artie drives without use of his legs. Don't worry those are both coming up, Klaine within the next five chapters depending on how it goes and Artie in I'm not quite sure how many chapters but I do have a chapter story-mapped out to talk about it some. Ok?

Forgive me.


	18. Chapter 18

VERY much to Puck and Artie's dismay, their adventures entering the building made them late. Too late to go backstage before the show, anyway.

Artie was heart broke, and Puck came very close to crying.

They sat down, Artie on the end and Kurt in the middle, in just enough time for a voice to tell them to unwrap any hard candies now and put all cell phones on silent. None of them had any food, but they all reached in to their pockets to pull out cell phones. Puck frowned at his and kept it out. Artie was about to ask why when the lights went down and the show started.

The show started off with soft, eternal music and some guy in a suit walked out and over toward something that Artie thought looked like a giant saw, with a circle on one end. Which was kind of weird, he thought.

Then suddenly, the music got a stronger baseline and the man got into the wheel and started running around while the whole thing turned.

"Holy giant gerbil wheel Batman," Artie whispered to Kurt, who was enthralled.

Suddenly the man started climbing on top of the wheel, and as the whole things turned like a Ferris wheel, he walked on the outside. Kurt grabbed Artie's arm on the arm rest and squeezed.

"He's going to die!"

"Don't worry, he was probably a hamster in another life," Artie reassured.*

Puck, who had been looking at his phone and ignoring the death defying stunts, glanced up at the stage. Somehow, and Artie and Kurt had NO idea how, Puck completely missed the thirty foot spinning wheel with a man on top and zero'd in on the women with hair spray painted white and a bikini, standing under a purple light.

"Dude, she looks mad kinky. What kind of show is this again?"

"An acrobatics show?" Kurt whispered at him in a slow voice, like he was speaking to a child.

"Oh. Well, when does that start?"

"Are you missing the rotating fucking hamster wheel in the middle, bro?" Artie asked incredulously.

Puck, apparently, was missing this because he suddenly looked up at it.

"Dude that's fucking sweet."

"Are you seriously just seeing this now?" Artie asked again.

"Yeah, sorry," Puck answered, but just as he was about to go on, his phone lit up again and he looked down.

"You know that its incredibly rude to d…"

"Holy shit, Kurt!" Artie cut him off and pointed toward what looked like a troop of warriors in latex suddenly running down the stage. They watched for a minute as the warriors did summersaults and spins all across the stage. Then Kurt leaned forward for just a second and smirked.

"They kind of look like something out of one of Sam's comic books."

Artie might have felt bad at giggling, if it wasn't so true.

After another army of people came through on the stage, and Kurt was scared for the lives of the performers approximately twelve more times, and then in the middle of the most dramatic music to play yet, the curtains closed and it was intermission.

Artie and Kurt decided they wanted memorabilia, and they set right off for the table set up in the lobby. The crowd around the table was enormous, but everyone was careful not to bump into the wheelchair.

Kurt was not so lucky. He was jostled and poke and bumped more times then he could count, but when someone stepped on his shoe, he looked ready to give every person standing in the lobby a lecture on proper crowd and show educate.

Artie headed _that_ disaster off by instructing Kurt to step up onto his back axle and to "get ready for the ride of your life."

He wheeled them both straight to the front of the line to buy two limited addition posters, and they parted the crowd like the red sea going back to their seats. Kurt almost didn't want to get down.

"This is so much better than Mr. Shue tried to get us all do Proud Mary in these."

* * *

><p>AN: Ok for the record, my knowledge of Cirque Do Soleil is just about enough to know its something Kurt would enjoy but not really enough to write about. So I youtube'd it and this video was the first one to come up;

www [dot] youtube [dot] com/watch?v=oKGBkc77sDw

So even those it was filmed seven years ago in Montreal, pretend this is the Vegas show that our boys are watching. Ok?

*The hamster comment was not my idea it was the second highest rated comment on the video, made by the user "Lucinka3251" It was simply too good to resist. I hope you don't mind.

As always, I literally live for your reviews.


	19. Chapter 19

Artie and Kurt spent the next eight minutes of the intermission looking at the costumes people were wearing on the posters and guessing what they were supposed to be.

A surprisingly large number of them looked like fish.

When the lights flashed, however, and Puck wasn't back, they stopped joking around. Kurt was mad that Puck was being rude again, and Artie was annoyed that he'd probably have to wheel back and forth in the dark to let him get to his seat. Then the theatre started to fade to black and they were a little more worried.

They didn't see which way Puck went off, he'd seemed really distracted by his cell phone. And by now, he was going on 20 minutes off by himself, which meant there was a very good chance he'd gotten into trouble by now, or at the very least broken something that they'd need to pay for.

Artie seem far more worried about this than Kurt, evidence by the face that he was insisting Kurt come with him to find Puck. Right now.

"I wanted to see the end of this Artie" Kurt hissed.

"You will see the end, we just have to find Puck first."

"But then I'll miss some."

"You'll get over it."

"I don't think you get it; the entire show is a story. If I miss some of it, the story isn't going to make any sense at all."

"Bullshit. Its not a story."

"Yes it is, the dance tells a story!"

"If it's a story then what is it about?"

"I don't know. It one of those stories you have to see the end of for it to make sense."

Artie stopped in the middle of the lobby and shot Kurt his infamous "da fuck?" face.

"What is the point of a story if you can't even tell what its about until the end?"

"You're hopeless Artie Abrams. Hopeless."

"Whatever. Let's see if he's in the bathroom, 'cus he's not out here."

Puck wasn't in the bathroom. After another five minutes of combing the lobby and ignoring the looks from the workers as they check behind potted plants and under chairs, the two decided it was safe to say that Puck was not in the building.

"He could have gone back to our seats," Kurt suggested, still annoyed that he was missing the show but more accepting of the fact that an MIA Puck was probably a bit of a problem.

"Then let's check."

They didn't go all the way to their seats, just close enough to see that all three were still empty. They did get distracted by the women onstage though, who as far a Artie could see, was dressed a dancing tree.

"Where does that fit into the story?" he asked sarcastically.

"I don't know, I missed a part in the middle," Kurt shot back. Someone in the audience shhhh'd and they went back into the lobby.

"I guess he went outside?" Kurt offered up.

"_Why _though?" Artie emphasized the word as he said it, like the reasoning was really bothering him.

"He left with his phone. All the better to sext with?" Kurt rolled his eyes.

"OOOOoooooh. I don't know if I want to find him now…."

"Just come up from the back and stomp really loudly. He'll catch on that someone's behind him and put it away. That always works for me at home with Finn."

"Eww. Oh god. Ewww."

"I know."

They made their way back to the door with the ramp, which was easier to find the second time around. Puck wasn't anywhere to be seen. They went around the building, thinking he might be leaning against a wall. He wasn't on this side. They rounded the front of the building. He wasn't on the curb, or sitting on the steps.

"You looking for your friend with the hair?"

Artie and Kurt snapped around. The previously board-looking security man was now looking at them with interest. Artie and Kurt exchange a look.

"Yeah we are. Do you know where he went?" Artie finally answered.

"Go back to where the ramp is, then go another ten feet maybe. There's a picnic table. He should be sitting there."

"Is he alright?" Gone was Kurt's previous annoyance; this was clearly more than Puck's careless rudeness and he was worried.

"Yeah yeah. Alright. Go on." The bouncer waved them off with his hand, and they walked and wheeled briskly back the way they came.

"What does that mean 'yeah yeah alright'?" Kurt asked as soon as they were out of hearing range.

"Do you think everyone's ok? He was on his phone…" Artie responded.

This thought was interrupted just then, which was probably good because Kurt was a proven worrier. They'd gotten past the ramp, and now they had their eyes peeled for Puck. It took them a minute to get to see him. He was sitting on top of the picnic table, facing away from them, and hunched forward over himself, his phone pressed to his ear.

"He IS sexting!" Artie mumbled. All this for nothing. He could have been watching some lady dressed as a tree, instead of being worried about his friend, who was only gone because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

"No, I don't think so," Kurt answered, breaking into his brooding thoughs. "Listen for a minute."

Artie and Kurt strained their ears and listened. It turns out Kurt was right; there were none of the awkward, tell tale signs off jerking off. Instead, they heard Puck's voice, a little rough and higher than usual, singing into his phone.

"_Just a few more hours; And I'll be right home to you; I think I hear them calling; Oh, Beth what can I do" _

* * *

><p>AN: Suspenceful, yes?

Once again, I'd like to point out that my Cirque Do Soleil knowledge is limited. I don't know if their costumes look like fish or if there are any dancing trees; I made both of those things up. Sorry if that offends any fans of the shows!

And if you need a refresher, here's the youtube link for Puck singing "Beth" during the theatricality episode in season one: http:/www [DOT] youtube [DOT] com/watch?v=SbxspmLRdXE


	20. Chapter 20

Artie and Kurt were still walking forward when they heard Puck sing, but they turned to each other with wide eyes when they did. Apparently, they couldn't walk, listen, and look at the same time, because Artie's wheel shifted, which made Kurt tripped on a spoke.

He threw out his hands and caught himself on the edge of the table, which tipped the table up, which threw Puck into the air.

The domino effect would have been funny if the situation wasn't clearly so serious. Puck turned to see his travel companions behind him and shot them such an angry look that Kurt ducked under the table and out of Puck's eyeline.

"Look, Quinn, I need to go now. Are…are you going to be ok?…Yeah. No, I get it. I love you?" Puck looked at the phone's screen; then hung up with a sigh.

"Come."

"What?" Artie was shocked by Puck's sudden command.

"Come on." Puck had gotten off the table now and was on his way toward the street.

"Puck, what is going on? You completely disappear from the theatre, and now you're just walking away without even telling us what happened?" Artie was aware that he sounded like a mother hen; he just didn't care

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Noah." Something in Kurt's voice made Puck and Artie both turn around. "What's going on?"

For a minute it really looked like Puck was going to tell him. His eyes got softer, he sighed, and opened his mouth.

"We're going clubbing, that's what going on."

Artie and Kurt exchanged a parental look; like Puck was a misbehaving child and they were deciding how to deal with this. Puck just kept walking away though, and Artie and Kurt didn't have a change to do anything other than follow him. He lead them back to the limo and started climbing in.

"Show shouldn't be over yet." The driver narrowed his eyes at the three boys.

"Its not." Artie answered this one. "But we're leaving." The driver accepted this with almost no interest, he merely opened the door and let everyone load in.

Right after getting in the back, Puck shoved the privacy screen shut and pulled out his wallet.

"Alright Artie, your name is Maxwell Oliver Oswald, and your birthday is March 13, 1990. Kurt, you're name is Lucus James O'Brian and you were born on January 14, 1990. Figured out what your zodiac sign is and check what color your eyes are listed as, because that's what the bouncer is going to ask you, since you both look like babies."

"Who names their kids Maxwell Oliver and Lucus James?" Kurt muttered under his breath as he took the card.

"Puck, what the hell are you doing? Why were you on the phone with Quinn?" Arite wasn't willing to let this go.

"Don't worry about it. Just memorize your ID shit, we'll be at the club soon."

"So now you're just going to drag us into some random club where we could possibly get arrested for fraud, after pulled us out of the middle of our show, completely ruining the rest off my classy night, and you won't even tell us what's wrong?"

"Dude, now is not the time to be pissed about your night on the town."

"Princess can be pissed if he wants to be Abrams. In fact, he has every right to be pissed. Sorry, man. I'll make it up to you." Puck turned around and opened the privacy screen.

"Hey. Driver dude. Can you take us to the closest gay club. Thanks."

Kurt's eyes went wide and he looked at Artie, who also looked extremely concerned. Puck just turned around. When he saw their smiles, he laughed for the first time since the phone call.

"Get ready to get grouped by dudes, dudes."


	21. Chapter 21

They heard the club before they could see it, and they saw the lights from halfway down the street. As soon as the limo pulled up to the door, Puck was climbing out and Kurt had to help Artie out by himself.

There were two very large men in suits standing on either side of the door, and between the one on the rights face tattoo and the one of the left's beard and gold chain, they made Puck look about as badass as Ms. Pillsberry.

Artie turned around in his chair to look back at the limo, only to find that it had driven away.

"Great, he left us alone to get past tweedle-tough and tweedle-tougher."

"How are we going to get ho….OOO!" Puck started shoving Kurt forward mid-sentence, and didn't stop until all three boys were parked in front of the door.

The bouncers leered.

Kurt gulped.

"Go ahead." The one on the left had a surprisingly high voice for someone with such an impressive beard. Puck resumed his shoving, and grabbed a handle of Artie's wheelchair to pull him in behind them.

"Dude, what the hell was that? After all that time memorizing, he didn't even check our Ids. What the hell?"

"Sometimes, that's the way the world works Abrams." Puck looked down at Artie and cringed. "Dude, unbutton your shirt. Right now."

"Excuse me, since when is fashion your thing? Particularly since we're in a gay club?"

"Kurt, it doesn't matter if we're in a nun club, no one buttons their shirt that high to party."

As he said this, Puck pulled off his tee shirt, leaving him in a wife beater that showed off his arms, and was tucked into the front of his jeans to show of his "Party" belt buckle.

"Heeyyyyy." A lanky college with jet black hair and about thirty glow sticks on his arm walked over to Puck as soon as he'd lost the outermost layer. "You. are. JuiCY. You wanna drink?"

"Only if you're buying baby," Puck raised on eye brow, and puffed his lips forward in a kind of a kiss.

"Mmm, I'll by you waadaeva you like."

Puck and the black haired kid started for the huge bar that took up the entire left side of the room.

"Of all the jocks in the entire school who could have been bi-curious, did it really have to be him?" Kurt asked the room at large.

"I think he's whoever-will-give-me-free-booze-sexual, at this point," Artie offered up.

They started making there way toward the bar, where in the span of two minutes, Puck had some how managed to amass four other boys and six shots.

As they moved down the ramp at the side of the bar, Artie bumped into a blond girl. He looked up to say he was sorry, but then he stopped. The blond was part of a couple and her brunette girlfriend was shooting daggers at him with her eyes, as she pulled her girlfriend away from him. They put their heads together, and not a second latter where giggling and ignoring the outside world. Artie stared wheeling away.

Kurt leaned down.

"Is it just me, or does that girl remind you of Sant…"

"NO."

By now, they had reached the bar, and when the bartended walked over Artie practically demanded scotch on the rocks.

Puck walked over to them, carrying four shot glasses and being followed by two boys, who looked like lost puppies. Lost, drunk puppies.

"Mmmmmm, I like your hair." One of the two started stroking Kurt's hair. Kurt shot a desperate, 'help me' look at Artie, but he was already too absorbed in his newly arrived scotch to help Kurt. Puck caught the look.

"Buy him a drink dude, and maybe he'll let you stroke somewhere else."

That was not the kind of help Kurt had been looking for.

* * *

><p>AN: I'm very sorry that it seemed like I abandon this story. As soon as I got my muse back for this one, I was attacked by a muse for another story it seems. I hope you will accept these two chapters, a vow never to leave you alone for this long again, and the promise for drunk shenanigans in our boys near future as a peace offering! And leave me reviews, although after such a writing hiatus on this, I'm not sure I'm allowed to ask for anything...


	22. Chapter 22

Puck jumped right into the madness that was teenage alcohol consumption and forty minutes and fourteen shots into the party, was standing on a table and apparently doing the chicken dance.

Artie's run in with the walking, talking reminders that his girlfriend was now with Santana had turned him into a melancholy drinker. He'd had two scotches, and had decided to try a whiskey on the rocks next. He mostly held it and glared at Puck and Kurt for daring to have fun around him, and took a small sip every few minutes.

Kurt disapproved of the party right up until a tan boy with blond, California-surfer style hair had sent him a Sex on the Beach from the other side of the bar. When the bartender told him this, Kurt looked up for him and the college boy winked at him. At that point, Kurt decided that looking sexy while drinking through a straw was his top priority, and he'd deal with his conscious later.

After the rest of the chicken dance, and what looked like it might have been either the moon walk or the running man, or honestly the potty dance, Puck jumped off the table and walked over to the other two.

"You two. Need to come. And get down."

"No." Artie said from next to the bar.

"I thought he was supposed to be the one drinking away his troubles, not you," Kurt told Artie, nodding at Puck.

"Come onnnn." Puck grabbed the back of Artie's wheelchair and started pushing him toward the crowd.

"Puck, where are you going?" Puck looked back at Kurt, then grabbed his hand along with Artie's chair.

"GUUUUUYS," Puck announced to the crowed he'd pulled them into. "This is Artie, and he needs to be cheered up. Like, badly,"

The crowd all 'aww'ed together like a Television audience, and a guy with jet black hair came over, fell backward into Artie's laps and started pushing his glasses up and down over the bridge of his nose.

"This is Kurt. And he needs to get laaaaaaaid." At that everyone in the crowed cheered and "ooooh'd"

"Puck. I do not."

"Dude, yes you do." A shirtless man standing behind them holding a light up shot glass answered as he walked by.

"See? You totally do. Even he can see it. Get in there dude, and get it on!" Puck shoved Kurt forward into the crowd.

He stumbled into the middle to the throng, and suddenly someone was grinding with him. Kurt tried to move away, until he bumped into someone else pulled his hips back and now he was expected to be the one grinding.

Kurt pulled away again, and looked for Puck. He was raising his eyebrows at someone who looked like he'd just bought them both drinks.

"Really? It couldn't have been Sam? Or nice quiet Mike Chang? Or even Finn last year? Did the Omni sexual one really have to be Puck?"

"Kurt?" Artie pulled him out of his internal monologue. "Help me?"

"Where did you get slow sticks? And why are you covered in glitter?"

"Someone decided that this was the best way to cheer me up," he rolled his eyes. "Thanks to Puck."

"I don't like this crowd. They keep grabbing- OH!" Kurt shot a hard glare behind him. "They keep grabbing my ass."

"Will you move me out of here. Please?"

Artie and Kurt managed to start making their way out of the crowd. It took them 20 minutes to get Artie out of the crowd, and after 7 people he stopped apologizing for running over people's feet.

"This isn't as much fun as I thought it would be, given how many shirtless men with abs are in this room right now," Kurt bemoaned. "OH! Stop grabbing my butt!"

"Dude, just sit down."

"There aren't any chairs. Hey!" If looks could kill Kurt would probably be in the back of a police car right now. As he started stalking toward someone he assumed was a bad mannered offender, Artie pulled him down.

"He pinched my butt!"

"I know. Let it go."

"No! I will not let it go!"

"Shhh, Kurt, just sit." With that, Artie pulled Kurt over the arm of the chair and onto his lap.

Someone on the other end of the room yelled "GET IT IN WHEELS!"

Artie suspected it was Puck.


	23. Chapter 23

After twenty minutes and thirty three wolf whistles, Artie and Kurt stopped trying to convince people that they weren't a couple and decided to just wait where they were until Puck was done doing whatever it was that he was doing.

At that moment, the DJ came on and turned the music low enough to let himself be heard over the booming bass.

"Ok everybody, you KNOW what this song means!" He pushed some buttons, and turned the volume up even higher than it had been before.

"_If you're not drunk Ladies and Gentleman, Get ready to get fucked up"_

Apparently everyone else in the club knew that that meant, because a loud cheer when around and people started getting ready for…something.

Puck looked around but he couldn't see his friends anywhere. He tried standing on his tiptoes, but he still couldn't see anything. For a guy in a wheelchair, and a boy in high heels, they were surprisingly hard to spot. He finally climbed onto table to look around and spotted both of them sitting in the wheel chair. He jumped off the table and didn't apologize to the short guy he kicked on the way down.

"Come on you twoooo. Let's go!"

"Go where?" Artie asked.

"Back to the hotel?" Kurt looked hopeful.

"No silllly can't you here the song? We're going to do…(Puck paused dramatically) BODY SHOTS!"

He pulled on one of Kurt's arms to get him out of Artie's lap. Artie grabbed Kurt's other arm and pulled him back.

"No we are not doing body shots."

Puck pulled on Kurt's arm again.

"Yeah we are dude, let's gooo."

Artie pulled on Kurt's arm back to his chest.

"No Puck."

Puck frowned and re-gripped his hands on Kurt.

"Do I get a choice here?" Kurt suddenly interjected from Artie's lap.

"No." Puck and Artie answered at the same time. They looked at each other, then Puck giggled.

"I'm serious. Last time I did body shots, my girlfriend started cheating on me…"

Kurt managed to look surprisingly sympathetic for Artie, especially since the two boys were still hold him like a tug of war rope.

"_ba-da-ba-da"_

"Just come onnnnnnn!"

Kurt rolled off of Artie and Puck threw an arm around him as Kurt caught his balance. He looked down at Artie.

"Maybe it won't be so bad."

"That's the spirit princess! Come on Artie, what could possibly go wrong?"

"Didn't I just tell you what goes wrong when people do body shots? It made my girlfriend cheat on me!"

"We're in a gay bar Artie, if there was ever a time to stop worry about girls, its now."

Kurt had to laugh at that. Puck started half leading, half dragging the two of them over to a the bar, where there was already a crowd.

Kurt weaved his way in and out of the crowd to get to the center.

Puck used Artie and his wheelchair as a battering ram.

When the three met up again, Kurt had a scowl on his face and Artie was glaring at Puck.

"Someone grabbed my ass again."

"Someone dumped a container of glitter on my head. Again."

"Cheer up you party poopers. Now its time for the fun!"

Puck started walking toward a table, one that a shirtless guy had just sat up on. Puck pulled his own shirt off. The entire crowd cheered as Puck climbed on top of the table and did a slow turn to show off, his hips stuck out in front of him. Artie and Kurt exchanged horrified looks.

Then Puck lay down on the long table and someone put a lime in his mouth. The bartender walked over with a bottle.

"Oh heeeell no! Hell to the fucking no!"

"Noah Puckermaen, I am NOT licking you!"

* * *

><p>AN: Alright guys, I have two plans in my head for the way the next chapter could go. One involves the boys doing body shots off of each other, and one of them involves something else entirely. Both of them could lead to the next plot point with out a problem, so I'm opening this to a vote. Which version would you prefer?


	24. Chapter 24

Artie and Kurt kept looking on in horror as a line formed toward Puck.

"Its like we're in an alternate reality."

"Yeah, where everything…STOP GRABBING MY ASS!"

"I think we need something to drink. Something we don't have to lick off of Puck."

Kurt fought tooth and nail for a bar stool, and he dragged Artie along with him. A cheer went up from the crowd surrounding Puck. The two boys weren't sure why, and they weren't sure they wanted to know.

"I'll have a Sex on the Beach."

"What?"

"It's a drink, Artie. God," Kurt hissed.

"Fine, I just want more scotch."

Another cheer went up from the crowd around them and Artie was afraid to ask why.

"Kurt. Kurt! Look and see what they're yelling about."

"No, I'd have to get up."

"Then get up.""No, I don't want to get groped again!"

"Just go see what they're yelling about, I'll protect your ass!"

Kurt and Artie paused and looked at each other. Behind them the bartender raised his eyebrows.

"Let's pertend you never said that."

"Yes. Good. Let's do that."

Never the less, Kurt stood up to see what was going on. Someone in the crowd caught his eye.

"Oh no. Oh hell to the no. No no no. No."

"What is it? Why is everyone cheering?"

"Oh, everyone's cheering because Puck's making out with a frat boy. And someone unbuttoned his pants. That's not the point." Kurt turned to Artie. "Brian is here!"

"Right. What?" Artie was lost, and he didn't think it was just the alcohol.

"Brian. From the whine tasting." Kurt looked devastated as he sank back into his chair. "He's about to do a shot off Puck. I thought he wanted me to call him."

"Oh. Well then go!"

"What?"

"Go! Go, I don't know, block his way or something. Then he'll see you and forget about doing shots and Puck."

Kurt stood up right then, but he was kind of uneven on his feet. It seemed like the two drinks had caught up with him a little. He started walking, and Artie followed him, though he wasn't much steadier on his wheels.

"Hi Brian."

"OH! Hey there Kurt."

"Is this the guuuuuy?" Someone from Brian's little group asked in a highly intoxicated manor.

"Yeah, I met him earlier. Are you going to do bodyshotsss too?" Brian was steadier than his friend but not by much.

"No no. That's one of my best friends up there," Kurt tried to stay casual about it.

"Oh. Alright." Brian sounded a little confused by the explanation, like he couldn't understand why that might be a problem.

"That snofunn. He snofun Brian." Brian didn't seem to be able to stop himself from laughing along with his friend.

Kurt walked away. It would have been very impressive, very ice queen, if he hadn't tripped. He caught himself then walked back to sit next to Artie. Artie had wheeled himself into a crack in the bar and ended up sitting next to a tray of pre-poured shots. Every time the bartender turned away, Artie knocked one back, made a face, stuck his tongue out, then took another one.

Kurt helped himself to three before he choked.

"He said I was snow fun. I am fun!"

"I'm sorry?" Artie didn't really follow, but Kurt looked upset.

"WELL HE BETTER BE SORRY TOO!"

"Wow princess, coooool out." Puck was back. "What's got his panties in a twist?"

"Remember that guy Brian from the whine tasting?" Artie asked.

"He just drank tequila out of by belly button. Yeah, I remember him."

Kurt smacked Puck on the arm.

"Why would you let him do that? Why didn't you tell him to wait for me?"

"You're going to get up there and do body shots?" Puck asked with incredulous.

"Well no. Not now. But maybe privattttttely."

"You sir, are drunk." Artie told Kurt.

"Both of you are drunk," said Puck. "Which means the fun can really begin."


	25. Chapter 25

Puck pulled Artie away from the shots and toward the table. Kurt might have been concerned, but he was too drunk to care.

Kurt helped himself to an cosmopolitan as the other two disappeared, partly because he was sick of the burn of the shots and partly because he wanted to feel like Carrie Bradshaw.

As he finished the drink, he noticed that Brian and his friend now seemed to be sitting at the bar with two entirely new guys, and they were clearly flirting.

"Oh god, don't tell me you're a weepy drunk." Puck was back.

"I am not weepy!" Kurt said a little too loudly.

"Thank god, I couldn't handle it if you were Santana."

"You know, sometime if you leave off the aaaaaaa her name sounds like Satan!" Kurt giggled at his own joke. Puck leaned down like a kid telling a secret.

"I bet Artie thinks she's Satan." They both laughed a little histerically, and Kurt hiccupped halfway through, which only made Puck laughed harder.

When they stopped to catch their breath, Brian's voice came floating back from other side of the bar.

"Yeah, so call me sometime?"

Kurt turned to Puck.

"I swear to god, princess if you start crying now…"

"He wanted _me_ to call him!"

"He's broadening his horizons. Or practicing, or something, I don't know. You can still call him if you want to, jeez."

"Well now I don't want to!" Kurt seemed slightly hysterical. "I'm just another one on a list!"

"Ok, you're getting upset and I'm not good at that. But I'm good at drunk, so why don't you drink more?"

"No! I don't want to drink more."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"Are you sure about that?"

"No." For some reason, that made Kurt look sad again. Puck picked up the glass on the bar, and finished Kurt's cosmopolitan.

"Hey! That was mine!'

"Come one, let's get you over here to do body shots."

"I don't want to do body shots. I just want Brian to not be a douche bag."

"Yeah, well even I don't have that kind of magic." Puck pulled started pulling Kurt through the crowd around the body shots table. "I can get you booze though, and that's probably good for something."

"Where'd Artie go?"

"Oh, he's who you're going to do body shots off of. Didn't you notice us getting ready?"

"No? Well I guess I saw you leave…maybe. But…." Kurt looked up at Puck. "I don't want to lick Artie though."

"Sure you do!" Puck pushed someone out of the way.

"No, I don't think I do."

"Well, look at it this way. At least he's not wearing a sweater vest."

With that, Puck shoved Kurt forward and up the table bearing Artie.

There seemed to be a crowd around Artie, and people were cheering for him.

"Hi Artie."

"Hi Kurt."

"How're the shots going?"

"Fine. How's you ass?" Artie was practically yelling, although he didn't seem to realize it.

"I said don't talk about that any more. I'm pretty sure Puck wants me to do a body shot, but I don't know how. All I know is that I'm supposed to lick at salt like some kind of llama."

"Ahhh, you never done a body shot before?" The bartender popped up like a jack-in-the-box with a bottle of tequila in his hand. "Don't worry about it. Here's what your going to have to do; first you would lick, or you know wet down, where you wanted the salt, but you've been here for a couple of shots already so that'll be alright."

"Oh god, other people have slobbered on you!"

"Thanks for that reminder!" Artie still seemed to be talking louder than he thought he was talking.

"AFTER THAT, I'll pour a bit of this tequila into his belly button for you to drink. His looks kind of wonky for some reason, but no one else has had a problem. So, first you lick the salt, then you drink the tequila, then you come up here and take the lime out of his mouth."

Kurt turned his best pair of puppy dog eyes around at Puck, who made a little 'go on' hand motion at him, then stole someone else's drink.

"Go ahead dude. Lick it up!'

"Ugh, that line was about vomit!" Kurt moaned one last time before he did what the bartender said, and licked a line of salt of Artie's chest.

The crowd behind him cheered, and didn't seem to noticed that Kurt barely got any liquid on his tongue. He stood up, and someone behind him started chanting 'Lime! Lime! Lime!'

Kurt leaned forward to grab the Lime that Artie held between his teeth, but at that moment, someone shoved someone else, who bumped someone, who ricocheted off the table and into Kurt's back.

Already quite tipsy, Kurt fell forward and suddenly his tongue wasn't on the lime any more. He was kissing Artie, or making out with Artie really, since his tongue had slide right into the other boy's mouth with the lime caught between them awkwardly. In surprise, and probably the taste of sourness, Artie puckered up.

Kurt was a little dizzy anyway, so it took him a long time to stand up properly. Artie looked up from him on the table with wide eyes, and for a moment nothing happened. Then someone in the crowd yelled.

"Get it in Wheels!"

This time it was definitely Puck.

The laughter of the crowd was cut by two simultaneous and very loud "SHUT UPs."

* * *

><p>AN: This did end up being a bare bones mash up for both my ideas, but the more the merrier. The next part will be the wheepy drunken sleep over confessions section. I'm having too much fun with it.


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